dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Randomize
