soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
