I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
