You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
