I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
