Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
