He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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