tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
