Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
