wakey wakey hands off snakey
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
