Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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