I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
