watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
