My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
