I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
