hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
