Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
