I wish I could punch you in the face.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
