I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"