I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
