We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
