i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Randomize
