I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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