I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
