I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
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In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
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