I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
a search helicopter?!
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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