My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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