I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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