So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
