For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
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