I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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