Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
