I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Randomize
