I just pynch a tree in the face
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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