it was like his penis was on wheels.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
So here I am, sexting at work.
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