Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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