So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
