Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
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It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize