new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
People in love make me want to vomit
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
