Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
