Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize