I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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