There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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