Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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