If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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