Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
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my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
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I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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