did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
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I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
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We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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