There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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