I wanna passion pit in your ass
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
