im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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