Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
