You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
