Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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