how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
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